Hello there, class of 2013! I have compiled a list of what I think are some valuable tips that will help you navigate this big, scary world. Whether you're headed for the community college down the street or the Ivy Leagues, this comprehensive guide will lead you through a successful freshman year.
1. Forget about sleep. Everyone says sleep is so important, blah blah blah, but we all know there are much more important (and memorable) ways to spend those 7-9 hours. Examples:
- Eating Nutella from a spoon in your kitchen
- Spying on other dorms from your window
- Driving around barking at people
- Watching this video:
- Or this video:
- Or this video:
- Need I mention Netflix?
- Reading your textbooks? No. If you get to that point, you'd better just go to sleep. You won't remember what you read in the morning anyway.
2. Don't let professors get the best of you. 90% of test questions are specifically formulated to torture your mind. The best way to defeat this system is just create face silhouettes in your bubble sheets instead of wasting effort. Then you will have brain power left over for the REAL tests in life.
3. When emailing a professor, always use all caps. This lets the teacher know you are serious. If you don't use all caps you may as well put "don't read this, I'm wasting my time by sending it" as the subject line.
4. Eat your roommates' food. They put it in the apartment, they want you to eat it. I promise you'll be doing them a favor. When they get mad at you, don't worry. They just don't know what they want.
5. Freshman 15? Don't worry about it. If it happens to everyone, then it won't seem like it happened to anyone. It's all relative, right?
6. You CAN read while listening to music. You won't take it in. But guess how much it matters. Guess. GUESS.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
7. Don't wear sweats to class? Look presentable? More like wear whatever you want cause class is nap time AM I RIGHT?!?!?!
8. Bacon.
9. Greater satisfaction comes from cooking a meal without using a single cutting board than passing any number of difficult classes.
10. You haven't experienced freshman year until:
5. Freshman 15? Don't worry about it. If it happens to everyone, then it won't seem like it happened to anyone. It's all relative, right?
6. You CAN read while listening to music. You won't take it in. But guess how much it matters. Guess. GUESS.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
7. Don't wear sweats to class? Look presentable? More like wear whatever you want cause class is nap time AM I RIGHT?!?!?!
8. Bacon.
9. Greater satisfaction comes from cooking a meal without using a single cutting board than passing any number of difficult classes.
10. You haven't experienced freshman year until:
- You've laid on your kitchen floor spouting nonsense to your roommates because you've taken one too many finals that day.
- You've saran wrapped a car or apartment.
- You've have wrestling matches with your roommates because you are THAT GOOD at procrastinating.
- You've watched an entire season of a TV show without doing a single homework assignment in between.
Seriously though, when I say you haven't experienced freshman year until you've done these things, I mean your credits aren't accepted until you have. Send a monthly report to your school so they can see that you're dedicated to the stuff that REALLY matters for your education.
There you go. I hope that was helpful, because college is a new, scary world, and you need all the help you can get.
One final tip: disregard everything I just said.
Thank Aubrey for letting me know about all the important parts of being a freshman. I think I will be printing this all off to post on my dorm wall. so thank you and good luck on your mission Hermana!
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