Thursday, December 29, 2011

Perceiving Patterns

I've learned in my psychology and statistics classes that we often perceive patterns in every day life, when there are just coincidental occurrences that lead us to see patterns where there are none. Well, with that skepticism in mind, I have observed a pattern in my own life that I don't think is total bogus, no matter what the statisticians say.

I'm almost positive that 90% of my phone calls are exactly 54 seconds. I'm not joking. They always follow the same pattern:
  • Greeting 
    • Elapsed time: 6 seconds
  • Brief small talk: "How are you doing?" or "Sorry, did I wake you up?" 
    • Elapsed time: 8 seconds
  • Then gets down to the reason for the call: "Wanna come over?" or "Did you already get that done?"
    • Elapsed time: 20 seconds
  • Response and solution: "Yeah I'll let you know when I figure it out."
    • Elapsed time: 10 seconds
  • Wrap up: "Okay then, I'll see you tomorrow"
    • Elapsed time: 6 seconds
  • "K-bye"
    • Elapsed time: 4 seconds
54 seconds exactly. It's like an accidental science. (Although, the elapsed time of each portion is just an estimate based on my own personal reflection. I'm not creepily timing you when you talk to me on the phone).

I don't know if you're like me, but you might notice you follow this formula also.
[Insert The Twilight Zone theme song here]

Monday, December 26, 2011

A Racially Tolerant Christmas

Yes, indeed, 'twas not a white Christmas. But it's okay, because despite what my statistics class may say, I'm no racist! In fact, the weather's quite nice.
(But seriously, hurry up and get some snow flying! The skiing stinks and I want nothing less than 18 feet of fresh powder next time I hit the slopes).

And in other news, can I be super cliché and unoriginal and talk about what I got from dear ol' Saint Nick? I promise I won't ramble (though this promise may be subject to change, knowing me, because a lot of times I think that I'm going to just say something concisely and then I end up talking about it for way longer than I really need to and totally boring people and using a lot more words than are necessarily necessary. So I won't do that this time).

Um, if you're still with me, congrats. AND, guess what? I got some very special, magical things  yesterday.

#1: Algernon. Algernon is a beautiful, shiny, wonderful water bottle. His name is Algernon because I like the name Algernon. Algernon.

#2: Granny socks. These are officially known as "crew socks", but that is irrelevant. These lovely little foot garments reach up to mid-calf range and come in a variety of patterns including solids, stripes, and polka dots. You may snicker at my excitement, but you just don't appreciate the beauty of these little babies.

#3: Pyrex bowls to prepare for my future or something. Huh. Well. It's seriously a good thing someone else thought of that, because I definitely didn't.

#4: Gum, Nutri-Grain bars, chocolate, and a variety of other necessities of life. You can thank Santa for the fact that I'm alive in the coming year.

#5: A ski pass. Okay, I have to admit I cheated on this one. I kinda sorta got it before Christmas. But only barely, okay? Put the pitchforks away and just accept the fact that I got my biggest present early and you didn't. Ha. Ha.

Ah what am I carrying on about? I haven't even mentioned the honest to goodness best part of my Christmas!
The very very hands down most fabulous part of my Christmas was 2 little international phone calls. Yep, both of my older brothers have taken 2-year breaks from sitting on my face and taunting me about boys to serve LDS missions. A 40 minute call from Brazil, and just over an hour from Hong Kong. I miss those boys. Well, men. Actually, they're more like somewhere in between. Moys? Yeah, I miss those moys. And talking to them was simply bodacious. 

I hope you're having happy holidays and stuff or whatever, and I wish you success in bathroom-scale-avoidance at least until next week. And a final holiday message to family, friends, and neighbors everywhere:


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Leetle Post

"This very secret that you're trying to conceal  . . .

 . . . is the very same one that you're dying to reveal."

Oh Feist, you are so wise.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I'm No Quitter

In fact, I've rarely put a book back on the shelf without reading every last word. But sometimes, you just can't go on. Like when you pick up The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck because it's at your house, and it's Christmas time. You know Glenn Beck is, well . . . never mind, no need to talk politics here. But the point is, he didn't become famous for his writing prowess.
That was blindingly apparent when I reached page 4 and read the following analogy:

"Others might have called him a baker, but I thought of him as a master craftsman or a sculptor. Instead of a chisel he used dough, and instead of clay he used frosting - but the result was always a masterpiece."

And that was it. It's hard to convince yourself to press on after reading the absolute worst analogy you have ever seen.

If you happen to love that book, please accept my apology. I'm sure it's a great story full of Christmas spirit.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

What does that spell?

Sleep is for the weak! But is still more valuable than 1st period . . .
Easily distracted has a new meaning.
New homework habits are forming, but they sure aren't pretty.
Insecurity is obsolete - who cares what your hair looks like these days?
Operation Procrastinate is now in action.
Responsible? What does that mean again?
Inside my mind's eyeball, a lot more is able to be making of sense (← classic example).
Tests aren't worth studying for. I'm pretty sure watching Psych is just as effective.
I'm almost ready to be done with high school, but being in college sounds stinkin' hard.
Saturday: homework and room-cleaning day, or doing whatever the heck I want day? Ha, ha, funny question.

I never thought I would be infected with the incapacitating effects of Senioritis. But alas, it happens to the best of us.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Most Un-Favorite Christmas Songs

The feminist: "Baby it's Cold Outside" 
"We will not be that easily manipulated!"

The insomniac: "Santa Claus is Comin' To Town"
"He won't see me when I'm sleeping, because I don't sleep. It hurts."

Grandma: "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reigndeer"
"I may not be young and spry, but I can still outrun a reigndeer!"

2nd - grader: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
"Eeeeeeeeeeew . . ."

Deaf: "I Heard the Bells On Christmas Day"

Blind: "I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In"

Highway Patrolman: "Here Comes Santa Claus"
"We have to make a whole lane just for him to come down. It's a real pain."

Any race other than white: "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

Botanist: "Need a Little Christmas"
"'Haul out the holly'? Please, these people have no idea how to handle delicate plants."

Midget: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
"What are you trying to say, huh?"

Sunburned: "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reigndeer"
"Sure, everyone pities Rudolf when people make fun of his red nose . . ."

Me: "A Wonderful Christmastime"
It is so utterly pointless. I swear, if I hear that song one more time . . .

Thursday, December 1, 2011

MY "grown-up" Christmas List

The substance of my Christmas lists has shifted gradually over the years, as I'm sure everyone's does. And while the song "My Grown-Up Christmas List" is one of my holiday faves, I still have other things I ask for from good ol' Saint Nick. I thought I would show you a copy of my letter to Santa this year, that I may or may not have actually sent.

Dear Santa,

By the time you get this, it will almost be Christmas, I'm sure. So I just want to tell you my Christmas list. And since I'm also posting this online, you should probably collaborate with any of my blog followers just to make sure none of them got me this stuff before you did.
First, I want a unicorn. Does that require an explanation? I don't think so.
Second, I want time-management skills. Not a self-help book, because then I would just waste 2 hours reading the book and proceed to forget everything it said. Just be creative with this one.
Next, clothes and boots. (I'm a teenage girl, I can't help it!)
Then, a puppy. Just like I've asked for every year since I was in kindergarten.
Also, sleep in a can. I'm not talkin' 5-hour energy or some form of highly-concentrated caffeine, I'm talkin' the real deal, the kind of stuff that isn't exactly in stores. The stuff you have to be magical to actually get. If anyone can do it, you can, Santa!
A narwhal, and a pool in the backyard to keep him in.
A Sergio Flores (Sexy Sax Man) cardboard cut-out. Just imagine the potential . . .
And finally, of course, for everyone in the world to be happy. Yeah, this one might be tricky. But totally worth it, right? (Hint to anyone reading this: it's your job to at least make an attempt on this one!)
Sincerely, merrily, and yours truly,
A-Money Glazed Donut G-Rated WHAT?!