Monday, January 2, 2012

Old Catwoman?

In the spirit of the new year, I was pondering my future while at a basketball game. I suddenly said aloud to my friend next to me, "You know, I think I'm going to end up an old cat woman."
I meant "old cat lady," but then I pictured what "old Catwoman" would look like. Just imagine it. Me as an 80-year-old single lady who traipses around in a skin-tight black leather suit and cat ears.
No? Not feeling it? Yeah I'm not really either . . . although, you gotta admit, I'm sure I would be a common focus of town gossip.
But alas, that is highly unlikely. I think I will just end up as the grumpy old lady with disheveled yet glorious sweaters and cupboards full of stale biscuits.
You may scoff, or try to assure me that my life will go in another direction. But guess what? There are some often-overlooked advantages of being an old cat lady, and they may just outweigh the benefits of what some people consider a "successful life."

  •  No need to upkeep my yard. When everyone already thinks you're crazy, it's the perfect excuse to let your lawn, shrubs, and dandelions go free.
  • My Christmas lights could be crooked and no one would even criticize me (to my face).
  • Meditation. There would be minimal interruptions from neighbor kids, because they all would know that all they'll get out of me is 17-year-old sandwich cookies.
  • I would never have to shave my legs again. Seriously. What's the point if I rarely leave my cottage, and when I do I wear thick gray stockings?
  • Since I wouldn't have to spend any time or money on keeping up appearances, I would be filthy rich. These are the things that I would never spend money on:
    • Clothes: sweaters - knit myself, horrendous skirts - sew from discarded curtains and sheets.
    • Kitchen appliances: all I need is a rusty old stove and a second-hand fridge. Duh.
    • Family. (Okay, so having a family would actually be worth the money. But I'm just sayin').
    • Internet: what would I use it for? Besides the occasional online order from
    • Any house or yard maintenance, unless it was something directly related to my safety.
    • Psychiatry: I'm supposed to be crazy, remember?
  • These are the things I would spend my money on instead (except no one would know, because I don't have any family or friends to keep track of me):
    • Skydiving
    • A Ferrari. I would keep it in a secret garage during the day, and dress up like Catwoman and go for stealthy-and-super-speedy rides at night.
    • Delicious cookies for myself when the neighbor kids aren't around.
    • Charity. This way, I could feel like I'm actually interacting in the world, but I could do it anonymously. 
    • Lots and lots of cats. Actually, I can probably get most of them for free. How about . . . the best cat food on the market? Okay. 
    • Lots and lots of music. I would buy an ancient record machine, and every album I have ever heard or wanted to hear on vinyl. I would keep a few obscure classical ones on hand for when people are nearby, but rock out to Boston by myself. 
And if you're still not convinced, fine. Go have a normal, "successful" life. But for me, the answer is clear: old cat lady is the only way to go. There's just one disadvantage . . . I don't like cats.
Oh well.


  1. I can't WAIT to see you at our high school reunion in twenty years :)