Sunday, May 27, 2012

I Didn't Learn How To Come Up With Original Titles In High School

But there are a lot of things that I did learn. In fact, I've written a post about this before. What's that? You don't remember? Wow, thanks a lot!
But seriously, I doubt anyone remembers it. I don't even remember it. So in honor of my graduating from the good ol' high school, I decided to re-publish that list, with additions. Here's the new and improved list:

The Actual, Real, Valuable, Wonderful, Excellent, Applicable, Stellar Lessons I Learned In High School

1. How to talk to people my age
2. How to talk to people not my age
3. How to win "Let's Make A Deal" (a gameshow that isn't on anymore)
4. The art of margin decorating (commonly known as doodling)
5. How to color in the lines (we're talkin' high school math class and Spanish class, not kindergarten)
6. How to sing like a divine, angelic being (well...okay, how to sing in a choir)
7. That I should definitely not pursue a career involving ceramics
8. Every failed tryout or audition can be blamed on how "it's so political"
9. What you do isn't who you are, but everyone probably thinks that anyway. So go ahead and verify stereotypes by your comments in class, outfits, friends, and swagger. It's vastly entertaining for the rest of us.
10. Your classes are going to be harder next year. You're going to have more homework next year. You're going to have less time next year. No, you aren't going to suddenly have time to read the unabridged version of War and Peace, take up photography, do online classes to get ahead, go on a bike ride, write a novel, and learn to cook any time in the near future. You have to make the time. Accept it. Accept it RIGHT NOW.
11. That being said, classes are never as hard as the teacher says they are on the first day. "I want to make sure you all know what you're getting into. This class involves about 2 hours of homework every night. It is very challenging. I do not accept late work. I follow the school electronics policy. If this isn't where you're supposed to be..." Sound familiar? Yeah...I don't think one of those "scare speeches" has ever actually come true in its entirety. But it sure is effective in getting classes down to manageable size. 
12. Textbooks are exciting!...if you continually stab yourself with a needle while reading in order to stay awake...
13. Teachers have favorites. They might pretend to be fair. But don't believe them! Get on their good side while you have a chance!
14. Tactful procrastination. It's one of my best life skills.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances: let people see your gum, know who you like, or "look at" your phone. Ever.
16. Filling your teacher's office with snakes is a bad idea
17. Implying that you did something doesn't actually mean you did
18. What I mean is, no, I did not actually fill a teacher's office with snakes. But you thought I did. How to mess with people's minds...definitely learned that one
19. "Wizard" is an adjective
20. Everything is more interesting when there's a gorilla suit around
21. "Never take laxatives and sleeping pills at the same time" (direct quote from a substitute)
22. John Stossel wants you to give him a break

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