Blind Car Handles

So I kind of cheated with the title. This post isn't really about blind car handles. It's actually about turning a blind eye and broken car handles.
But I caught your interest right?
Now you just want me to get to the point, I know, I know.
So. Here's what happened.

Once upon a time, actually a few weeks ago, it there was a very cold morning. My car door was frozen shut. It's always been sticky anyways, but frosty mornings make it quite a feat to open the door. Or in this case, nearly impossible. Why was it nearly impossible? Because about the third strong tug broke the handle clean off. Just snapped. I just stood next to my car and said,

"what?"

then I laughed. Then I got into my car through the passenger side. And I didn't fix my handle until 2 weeks later.

I stuck with the pattern of getting in through the passenger side the whole 2 weeks, knowing that I must have looked like a complete fool. Every time I got in my car at school, at home, at the store, wherever, I knew there must be somebody guffawing at how ridiculous I looked pulling all sorts of strange positions to slide over into the driver seat.

The thing is, though, I don't think anyone really noticed. I don't think I got one strange look the whole time. At least, not one that was obvious. I think when people see you going towards your car, they don't actually watch you get in. They just assume things are normal. We turn a blind eye to irregularities we don't expect to be there. Crazy. I know.

Anyway that's the story. And the lesson. And the refreshments (PSYCH NO REFRESHMENTS FOR YOU).
Okay folks that's it.
Really.
That's the end.
What more can I say about this?
Seriously, I'm done.
KBYE.

A Different Kind of Finals Week

Finals week.
College kids talk about practically nothing else while it's going.
People say it's one of the worst things that can happen.

So, naturally, I was a little bit apprehensive going into my first one. I wasn't sure I was going to survive until Friday.
SURPRISE I'M STILL HERE!
I even finished all my tests on Thursday, yippee!

Just wanted you all to know that my first finals week wasn't exactly most triumphant, but I DID survive.

Aaaaaaand I learned a lot about what I'm going to do next time. Hooray for life and stuff.

When You Don't Do Things That Are Dumb But You Fail To Do Things That Would Have Been Smart So You Feel The Same As You Would If You Had Done Something Dumb

They don't usually happen at the same time. But they both happen.
I, for one, mess up a lot. I have thoughts that say "heeeey there . . . you should prolly loook at thiissss before you submiiiittt your paaaaaper . . ."
And guess what? These voices are so quiet, and so creepy, and they just lurk in the back of my mind like they don't really want to make themselves known. So the part of my brain that's like "FINISH ALL THE HOMEWORKS!!!" kinda takes over. I get hasty sometimes. And then I'm embarrassed later when I realized that a small pause to make sure I was doing things correctly could have saved me a lot of pain.
Story time.
We have to write short papers for my Political Science class. At the beginning of the semester, I downloaded the list of topic options, thinking that it wouldn't change. When doing my peer reviews, I encountered another student's paper that was focused on a topic that was not included in the original list of options. I gave them a failing grade. Little did I know that the directions had been updated, and the topic this student had written about was included, and the topic I had written about was not. Did someone say, "HOLY SWINE, THAT'S FLAGNOGGING EMBARRASSING AND AWKWARD AND AWFUL"?
Well, that's actually what I said. Why didn't I just check the directions online? It would have taken 20 seconds tops.
But the point here isn't for me to lament in my silly mistakes. The point is to share a valuable lesson with all my peeps. The lesson is this: don't get so carried away with life that you don't take the time to do little things that will actually save you time in the future even though you probably think you don't have time but you're rushing so much that you don't even take the time to think about whether you have time to do them.
You follow?
Good.

Narwhals, Yo

I discovered last night that narwhals are real. So that's chill.
I feel like an idiot for not already knowing that, but I'm also ridiculously excited.
NARWHALS YES.
Here's a video about them. It's by National Geographic. That's how I know it's legit.
Ohmygoodness I still can't believe narwhals are real.



Okay I'ma tell you the story. This is a discovery of gargantuan importance in my life, and I need to document it for my posterity. It's probably not journal-worthy, so you internet people get to hear it.

So mah roomie, Camille, and I were continuing an age-old American tradition of watching Elf instead of studying for finals. You know the part where a narwhal just comes out of the water and errbody's scared out o' their wits, except then he's just like "Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad" and Buddy's like "Thanks Mr. Narwhal" and it's all great and you're like "I WISH NARWHALS WERE REAL SO THEY COULD GIVE ME ENCOURAGING ADVICE BEFORE I EMBARK ON MAGICAL LIFE-CHANGING JOURNEYS" and then Camille's like "Narwhals are real" and I'm like "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME NO THEY AREN'T YOU LIAR YOU'RE TRYING TO GET MY HOPES UP SO YOU CAN THROW ME DOWN TO THE GROUND AND LAUGH AT ME AND TELL ME THAT GULLIBLE IS WRITTEN ON THE CEILING ALSO AND NOW I WILL TAKE CAPS LOCK OFF" and Camille's like "No, seriously, look at this totally legit NatGeo video on the interwebs!" and you're just like
"My life.
is changed.
forever."
Narwhals, yo. They'll change your life.
Who wants to go with me to see them in the wild? Okay. Sweet.

Did Ya Miss Me?

Yeah, I missed me too.
Well, I didn't go anywhere, I just never really got around to the whole blogging thing for a month or two . . . people have taken longer breaks, right? So I'm back. HAHAHA YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME!
I got Instagram. Just in case you were wondering. Check it out.
instagram.com/aubsglaz/

And I wish I could say me being back was awesome for you, but I don't know for sure if it is yet. Because, as it turns out, I have no idea where this is going. Hey, it's like Dan says in Dan In Real Life, "Expect to be surprised." He also says "This corn is like an angel." But that's irrelevant.
Wait, what am I talking about? That quote is ALWAYS relevant.

Speaking of movie quotes, here's something to think about. You know how people always post funny movie quotes as their Facebook status? And if you haven't seen the movie, you don't get it, but you're still pretty sure it's a movie quote? Well what about when you can't tell that someone is quoting something? I mean, what if you watched Nacho Libre and you're like "haha funny movie gotta post a status" and you post "I hate all the orphans in the WHOLE WORLD" and a really nice lady who builds orphanages in Uganda sees it and hasn't seen the movie and suddenly is confused because you said you were going to help with their trip next summer but apparently now you hate orphans so she can't let you come so your whole life gets totally messed up?
That wouldn't be fun, now would it?
That also probably would never happen.
But stop changing the subject! We were talking about how corn! Mmm. Love that stuff.
Love Steve Carrell too.
Also did you know there's an election coming up.
Also I have the attention span of a 4-year-old.
College is hard.
Rocks are hard.
Rock candy - not as hard. But kinda hard.
I love Krispy Kreme. (yes, the rapper)
Halloween was a lot of fun this year.
Yogurt pretzels. MmmmmmMMmmmmmm
Pretend this is poetic so we can all move on with our lives.
FOR SPARTA!

A Less Poetic Take on the Rain

It rained last night.

I love rainy nights. But I'm not going to elaborate on that part right now. We've all read more than enough poetic musings about the beauty and cleansing feeling of a rainstorm OKAY I'm done. 

I keep my bike outside. This means that when it rains, my bike gets wet. And the seat absorbs all kinds o' nasty water. 

I guess I should also mention that I ride my bike to school every day. 

So this morning, when I went out to my trusty bicycle, I brushed some visible water droplets off the seat, assuming this would be the extent of my troubles.

This is what the fates were doing at that moment:


(just the laughing part. Those fates are jerks).

When I sat down, I discovered there was much more water than I had supposed, hidden in the depths of that "tiny" bike seat. It immediately soaked my pants in a very inconvenient area. Of course, I was running late (pretty normal for me I'd say). No time to do anything but deal with it.

I sped to school, of course sweaty and panting by the time I reached the bike rack. As I stepped off that two-wheeled contraption my worst fears were confirmed. You know when you can just tell how bad something is? I could feel the looks immediately. In that moment, I had a decision to make.

Do I get back on my bike and go home, change my pants, and drive to school?
Nah, class is more important than 3 minutes of dignity.

Do I go into the bathroom and attempt to dry my pants with a hand dryer?
This could potentially be more embarrassing than half the school thinking I have a bladder control problem.

Bladder control problem . . . play the sympathy card? Every time someone looks at me I could say "I'M SORRY BODY DOESN'T WORK LIKE YOURS, OKAY?!"
I seriously considered this one. You think I'm joking . . . and you're right.

So I went for the fourth and final option: wear it with pride. Strut my stuff. Walk the walk like a girl with nothing to prove. I don't know if I successfully accomplished this, but I at least attempted.
I walked at my usual "madwoman-on-a-schedule" pace, attempting to have that look on my face that says "WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM?"
Who knows if it worked. I still felt a few weird looks, even heard a whisper (that probably wasn't about me but you know how when you're paranoid about what people are thinking about you it suddenly seems like everyone is staring and whispering and laughing at you so you're freaking out even more and then you get into these crazy run-on sentences while trying to explain your mind to everyone else, which was a bad idea from the beginning?) yeah.

Embarrassing experience most-likely-successfully OWNED.

I think I still love rainy nights, even.

Epidemics

Like, the plague.
Epidemics used to be bad diseases that spread and spread and spread and couldn't be stopped.
Well they still are. But there's a new kind of epidemic around.

"Gangnam Style"?
It's taking over the world.





I'm not quite sure which kind is worse. (I so didn't just say that)

*ASIAN WORDS!*

And there are countless other epidemics that have swept the world in recent history:

Facebook






Twitter



Instagram





Pinterest




Segways (I know this is pushing it, but I just really needed a chance to show everyone these pictures)






White girl rappers

Oh, wait, that one hasn't really taken off yet . . . it's next. Mark my words.

P.s. don't worry, the bloggins are back. I won't be such a slacker from now on (maybe, no promises).

GANGNAM STYLE!

Freshman LIKE A BOSS

Technically I'm a sophomore from AP credit. But whatever.

Signed my name on my class banner as "A-Money Glazed Donut G-Rated WHAT?!"

Wrote on a paper that I want to be a rapper when I grow up.

Talked with at least 5 perfect strangers about Mumford & Sons (the t-shirt I bought for a ridiculous price was definitely worth it).

My brother laughs because I am a freshman and he is not.
He is in high school.
I did all these things.
Like a boss.

So ready for this.

Oh, wait, I need to buy groceries...

Traffic School (of sorts)

Have you ever been driving behind someone really really slow, and you can tell the people behind you are agitated, and you wish you had some way to say,
"It's not my fault, it's the people in front of me!"

This happened today. My car is pretty short, and I was behind a truck. I took some comfort in the fact that the people behind me could probably see that the car causing the granny pace was not me, but in fact, the truck in front of me.
"Come on Chevy, I've got places to be," I thought. (Except I thought "chevy" with a "ch" sound, not a "sh" just a little something that you didn't really need to know).
But then, going around a curve, the edge of a gray sedan poked out into view, in front of the truck.

Do you see what I'm trying to say here? I was begrudging the car in front of me, hoping the cars behind me would see that the blame was to be directed towards that nasty ol' Chevrolet. But the person driving the truck was probably thinking the same thing, knowing that the cars behind him couldn't see who was really holding up the line.

I know I might be taking a lot from a tiny little experience here, but it was an eye-opening moment for me. We need to give other people the benefit of the doubt, especially when we are hoping for it ourselves. We even need to give the real slow driver a break, because we can't see what they see in front of them either.

It applies to life, too. I bet you can figure it out.

"If ______ was an Olympic sport..."

People say this a lot.
"If being obnoxious was an Olympic sport, you'd win gold!"
We've all heard it.

I've been watching the Olympics a TON this year (I always do!). Wait a minute, I don't think I've ever explained how much I seriously love the Olympics! (And America!)
ISRRRRSLYLOVETHEOLYMPICS.
LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I love the Olympics.

Anyway, now that we're clear on that, let's get down to what I really meant to say here.

I was thinking today, what if we got to decide what sports were in the Olympics? Like we would keep most of the normal events, but include some other ones that are equally exciting and much more entertaining? Or maybe we could just add the EXTRA Olympics or something. I dunno, I just think it would be sweet. The possibilities are literally endless - every event could be something from Wipeout or Minute to Win it. Or they could just be my own genius ideas. Here's an example list of events, straight from my Olympic-fanatic brain.

Trampoline basketball
Trampoline dunk contest
Playing piano with feet
Smoothie making
One-handed egg cracking
Croquet
Giant bubble blowing
Name that tune
Baby diaper changing
Large blanket folding
Envelope licking
Basement fort building
Ice blocking
Uno
Bigger and Better scavenger hunting

There are so many options. You might be laughing at me, but seriously, you know how much endurance and determination it takes to lick, say, 50 envelopes? I went through that at graduation. NEVER AGAIN.

But seriously, I love the Olympics.
Also, please follow this link. I almost CRIED at some of them!

CBS Olympic Divers' Funny Faces

U . . . S . . . A . . . ! . . . U . . . S . . . A . . . ! USA! USA! USA!
To anyone in another country: don't worry, I still love you too.

A Rap About Rain

I was going to make an actual recording of me rapping this, but then I didn't because I decided not to and because I didn't really want to and because I'm too lazy and because that would be pretty embarrassing.
So instead of reading it in your head, rap it for your friends and family. That's the way it's meant to be, friends.

A Rap About Rain

A lotta people get all poetic about rain

But I don't wanna do that, it's all just the same

So I'm gonna tell you 'bout what I think

And how I feel . . . and everything

When the weather's nice and sunny, I think it's boring

I'd rather go outdoors when it's raining, and pouring 

I splash in a puddle, I'm wearin' a slicker

You'd better bring inside all your furniture that's wicker

I'm not talkin' bout a little sprinkle, no -

I'm talkin' bout a downpour that's RATHER . . . TORRENTIAL

Sprinkles are for cupcakes and cookies, ya know?

It's gotta be a FIERCE WIND PRECIPITATION FLOW

Put on your rubber boots and don't bother with the hair

And remember that this life and the weather ain't fair


Basically, that's what goes through my head on a rainy day. But alas, I am still a white girl with limited rap experience. Here's a REAL rap song, one with a beat and a video and professional skills.

The Vacation Paradox

This is a confounding paradox that has plagued me for years.
Okay it's not really a big deal, but it's just something I've thought about.

Vacations are a time to relax and get away from the stresses of daily life, right?
Well all I know is that when I go on vacation, I just feel more overwhelmed when I get back, because of all the things I missed. (Especially during school...yikes).

Then of course, when I'm on vacation I want to be lazy about my appearance. I'm not going to take up extra space in my suitcase for my blowdryer, you know what I'm sayin? BUT wait. When do you take the most pictures in your life? Oh yeah, when you're on vacation, because you're going to these cool places and you want to remember it!

I'm speaking from personal experience here: sometimes you want to show everyone these great pictures of you standing next to a beautiful, enormous redwood tree, except it's the ugliest picture of you ever, so you decide not to. But then your mom puts it on your family Christmas card and you have to live with the shame. For. Ev. Er.

I've named this conundrum The Vacation Paradox, because it is REAL, people.

I'm FAMOUS!

Okay I'm not actually famous.
BUT
something cool happened.
So there's this website, cleanfunnypics.com, and they post, uh, well, clean, funny pictures. At least, I'm assuming that's what they do. There's no way to know for sure.

The point is, look what was on their website:



Confused about why this makes me famous? Well, well, well . . . take a looksie at this past post, then come back. Take a good long look. Click RIGHT HERE

Okay, did you see it? LEGIT right?
I'm going to tell my future children about this one day.